Darker

If you are my God,
get me out of the game.
The dices are fixed.
I can’t reach the other pawns.
They are all having jobs, friends, wives, a baby.
Sometimes it drives me crazy.
Then I want to do your job,
take a life.
I used to go wandering through the old oakwood.
The trees were barren and old,
casting ghastly shadows on the ground.
Once, was told, several people hang themselves here.
I talk to their spirits.
‘Be done with it, lad, it’s much pleasanter on this side of existence.’
‘Be brave, do it, do it tonight.’
‘You bring a noose now do you?’
I leave the ghosts. Undecided.
I remember this when I lay in the clinic.
Depressed in isolation. Iron determination to make this my endgame.
I collected all the knowledge necessary.
But a strange force keeps me pushing forwards.
If I only can go on weekend this time.
Two days away of that gruesome place,
where people treat you as furniture.
‘Lad, aren’t you coming, we have plenty of ale here,’
a ghost with a large beard said next to me.

Trees in winter – a poem

The trees stood in the winter,
lined like soldiers ready to fire.
I gazed at them,
the barren branches.
I stood still by the largest one.
The sky was grey, it started to snow.
The loneliness oozed in my bones,
The coldness seeped in.


I decided to climb the tree.
But first I entered a farmer’s stable.
I took the rope of a horse who neighed in panic.
I left the barn, true the with white powder dust covered field.


I started to climb,
my hands became numb, but I didn’t give up.
High in the tree I made a noose and a knot out of the horse’s rope.
I did the noose around my neck and attached the knot to the tree.

Jumped.

I didn’t break my neck,
I slowly suffocated.
In that last moment before dying, I knew


God exists!

Situation now – about life

The craving to commiit suicide has vanished.

It got triggered by a specific song.

”Don’t fear the reaper” from Blue oyster club.

Within a halve year I become depressed and try to commit suicide.

21 painkillers would have destroyed my liver,

but I told my parents what I did.

They called muy psychiartrist and I was committed to the clinic.

They have me different medication.

Monday I get discharged.

The day after we are going to get our puppy.

I’ll be gathering poetry assemblings.

The contact with my niece is restored.

The plans for transition are set in motion.

Long lists and waiting,

I am forty and had this problem of

gender dysphoria since puberty.

I can wait a little longer.

My parents have it difficult with my decision.

Pa is sick, his pancreas hurts.

He has to vommit constantly,

it frightens me.

It confirms life isn’t enddless.

That’s why my greatest wish is to become a vampire.

A bit of fantasy spices up life.

Last post – about life

I am lonely. I am messed up. This will be my final post on WordPress. I want to thank all the readers for their support. But today something happened that can’t be undone.

I grasped for a straw and it got wanked away from me.

I’ll be ending my misery for once and all.

Life was good the first three years, from then on it was downhill.

Greetings, and see you in the afterlife,

Michael Janssens