Evil nurse – about life

I wake up at 4 am. Every day. That’s not too the liking of the nurses. They rather are indisturbed when they frolic with the nipples of their breasts and lick their pussies. I have nothing against some lesbian action if they don’t prevent me too smoke my much needed cigarette.

I am always glad I wake up. It’s the first gift of the day.

But that dorky little brunette with glasses as big as binoculars had to ruin the atmosphere.

I am so done with this place.

Lizzie – about life

Lizzie is healthy. We have a bad track record involving animals.
A dead goldfish, one guinea pig eaten by cats, another dead after two weeks
and the third frozen stiff in the stable. She didn’t succeed in burrowing herself under her hay.
Or first dog we had to give to a friend. He was a real menace.
The other two dogs stayed here till they died. Or first Filien had cancer, she lay in her own excrements and vomit. She blew her final breath out in the arms of my dad. Or second Filien got a stroke and couldn’t eat or move anymore. She had strained herself by chasing a cat.

But Lizzie is tinier than Filien. She is eight weeks. Nine now. She likes to bite in shoelaces and in fingers. Not for real, just playing. She has a ball I got from Rox, a friendly woman from the hospital, that she loves. I am glad I am home.

I missed this all. How I could ever be so stupid to try and end it all, I don’t understand anymore.
But I have Lizzie now, and a big responsibility towards her. The first task is to get her completely housebroken.
Tonight, I sleep back at the hospital but tomorrow I may return to home again.
I hope I don’t have to stay to long in the clinic anymore.

The birth of Void – about life

I got bullied a lot at school. All my fellow students and two teachers had it in for me. My music teacher demanded from me that I wetted my pants in public because I had asked during class if I could go to the toilet.
That was a traumatic event. He made me wipe the floor clean with my T-shirt. I was the poor kid from the class, the fat kid, the kid with glasses.

I never said a word, nor did I shed a tear. My parents didn’t know I got it very hard at school. Then the illness came just after the weekend. I would get stomach flu. My body rather was sick than that it had to go to school.

In the third grade of the secondary school Void surfaced for the first time. There was a six-grader who squeezed my cheeks every day and messed with my shoelaces. I got steaming mad. I saw red for my eyes. I jumped on the bench and from there on the bully’s back. I was heavy and he went down. I started pounding. I broke his nose and the socket of his eye.
I felt relieved, all the tension flowed right out of me. It was liberating finally not to be on the receiving end.

From then on, I have two sides. Michael, the shy, good-hearted soul, and Void a soulless creature that likes to inflict pain.

He never went away. I still carry him inside me. When the stress because too much for me, or the anger and grief he takes over the wheel. It happens a lot in my manic episodes. When I am depressed Void is never in control.

I live about 36-years with this passenger who can’t wait to be the sole driver of this vehicle. I am terrified of losing control again.

You find me on google – about life

Today I had a pleasant surprise. My site was looked up by google. I am important enough now to be noticed by the search engine. I want to thank all of you, especially my followers and people who reblog my stuff. I couldn’t have done it without your help.

It was always a personal goal of mine to get a site on google. Now that dream is fulfilled. I can scratch it of my bucketlist.

I had a couple of rough days. The personality disorder hit me pretty hard, for the half of the time I lived in a fantasy world. I was hateful and suicidal. That’s over now. But my doctor gives me Abilify now. A medicine that makes my hands tremble and gives tremors in the face. I am not enough of a freak already with my scars and burning wounds. Now I can’t sit still anymore either.

But I am available on google and that’s all that counts today. I will be blogging my ass off to improve my site further.

Swimming, an awkward reunion – about life

The bus decided to make a couple of trips to the city before he dropped us off at our destination. We were pretty late.

We got a bracelet with a QR-code (I hate those damn things!) so we could unlock our safe and get back out. Later more on that subject.

I had to let my glasses in my bag. I was as blind as a bat, like a painting of Monet became everything.


‘Look at that cute teacher,’ my therapist said with a boyish machismo.
‘I can’t see her; I see barely a halve meter in front of me.’
‘I pity, she is beautiful.’


The shower was short, and I like that, showering in public bathrooms makes me feel dirty.
Then we jumped in the water. I started kicking with my feet like a mad man. I got a bit of water in my mouth. Disgusting. We did a couple of laps; I was a real snail.


Then we played a game throwing rings at each other. Through my limited vision I saw not where I was throwing that thing too, to despair of my fellow players. It sunk to the bottom also, and I can’t dive properly so I picked it up with my feet.


Eventually my therapist and I played a game who of us could hold his breath the longest under water. My smoking lungs did good, and I beat my therapist. He was shocked.

The clothing closet wouldn’t shut properly so I stripped naked in anticipation of someone passing along and seeing me in all my glory. Luckily this didn’t happen.

But the real shit was that my code didn’t work anymore. I couldn’t leave the building. I crawled on my belly under a tourniquet.
It felt like “Escape from Alcatraz”.

To make things worse, the bus driver was a testosterone driven jerk who have one of the patients a proper scolding because he didn’t want to pay. Today it was free for everyone. The bus driver must have been too late in the morning briefing.

At last, we got to the clinic where we ate our mediocre meal and popped or sedating pills.

I am going to pass on our next visit. A nice walk seems more appealing. My roommate said however that didn’t also go like planned; They got lost, an older patient couldn’t walk no more, someone was sent to the hospital after a wheelchair. When he arrived, it was time to go back.

Therapy is nice in theory.

Going swimming – about life

Today we are going swimming with the patients in the hospital. I will imitate a sinking brick because I haven’t swum in ages. Nobody gets me on the plank to make summersaults or just extremities. I am going to stay in shallow waters.

Hopefully nobody loses his snot in the swimming pool or starts peeing in it. (Both I have experienced.)

The problem is I can’t keep my glasses on, and I am as blind as a bat without them. I’ll need to have a partner I can follow around. I am not sure who is suitable for that without feeling annoyed or thinking I am some kind of stalker.

The chlorine in the water will make my eyes start to run again. A most uncomfortable feeling.
My dad went out to by swimming pants for me yesterday so I could come along on this trip. So, we’ll make the best of it. Mayve they’ll need to safe and reanimate me. Or I keep a feet fungus as souvenir to this event.

The next post will go over my experience. I got to move, or they are gone without me.

Fuck Facebook – about life

I used to advertise on Facebook. Suddenly I see they blocked my account. It was not that I was sending the people to a firearm site or a drugs den. I only run a poetry and story blog. I searched for information. In vain. There is no procedure to activate your account again. I can’t advertise. I tried to make a new account. It was blocked immediately.
I spent a whole afternoon on messing with this stupid site.

I have one silver lining. My poetry is still posted on the page on Facebook. But nobody watches it and I can’t promote it. With this I have no opportunity left to advertise on the internet.

I am going to look further for a solution, but I am afraid this is an all-nighter while burning the midnight oil and gobbling unhealthy amounts of coffee isn’t allowed in the clinic.

I call Mark Zuckerberg now Suckerberg instead.

Lizzie is here! – about life

Lizzie is sleeping now. She discovered the house, garden, her cushion and toy with the smell in from her mother and brother and sisters. She has eaten en drank water. She left a little smelly surprise in the kitchen, but shit happens. We still love her with all our heart.

Her owner had it difficult to say goodbye. I understand. Lizzie is the sweetest dog you can imagine. She was brave in the car and didn’t bark. I petted her and got some licks on my face.

This means I am responsible for a friend. I have to get my own life back in order.

I will keep blogging, but I hope that you understand that I have to spend much time with Lizzie. So, I write a few poems less. But there still will be new content on my site.

Greetings from Lizzie and Michaël

Stronger – about life

I’ve had my share of hardships in my life. My grandfather died young. I got bullied on school. The music teacher thought it was funny to make me pee in my pants in front of the whole class and then to let me clean the floor with my T-shirt. He got it later. When I was eighteen, I belonged to a street gang. We were stoned all the time. I skipped school every day. And we went basketing on a court in the neighborhood.

We trashed the music teacher. My pal, Coppens, got shots of amphetamines and testosterone. He worked out, was always worked up and in the mood for a fight.
I started dealing at school. I have one of my idiot fellow students the formula to make liquid extasy. He ruined the preparation. A girl had to be brought away in an ambulance. Around that time a quit with school for good.

After a year a woman would kill the friendship between me and a gangster.

I got clean and depressed.

I started popping medication and drinking booze.

At the end I attempted suicide. I had learned to meet a sweet girl with mental problems of herself.
A day later she lay at the same hospital, she had also tried to commit suicide with insulin.
I swore I would fix my life. We got a serious relation. But through my madness it got screwed up. I am now bipolar and very unpredictable. One minute I can laugh, the other moment I take 30 painkillers to blow up my liver.

Now, I go to live in a group and will be responsible for a dog. My estranged niece and I have made contact. Life seems to be going up for me.

What I want to say is don’t get stuck in traumatic experiences from the past, or troubles of the future. Just live in the moment and always try to improve yourself

I got sober and clean, I am forty and done with my illness. This time I don’t let her screw up my life again.